At the end of winter, there is a season in which we are daily expecting spring, and finally a day when it arrives.—Journal, 8 March 1853 (Henry Thoreau)
Being human nearly always equals struggle. Some more, some less. We all struggle in some form from time to time, and time again. I’ve had my share; financial, physical, emotional. I wrote a post on some of my emotional struggles once, you can find that here.
It ebbs and it flows, like the ocean to the shore. There are days where all is bright and well, and days when spring can’t come soon enough.
On September 17th I went out for a lovely dinner with my cousin and had a gallbladder attack that lasted for several days afterward. I did not seek medical attention. I have known that I have gallstones, or at the least gal-sludge – since I figured out what the occasional pain in my gallbladder after a particularly fatty meal was, back in June of 2014. It had been happening before then, but that is when I was able to combine the symptoms and understand what it was. Since then, approximately twice a year or every five or six months I will be struck by fatigue, and the oncoming of a gallbladder attack.
Sometimes they last a while, sometimes only a few hours and they are all fairly similar. I never sought help because removing the gallbladder can cause many issues as well and having switched to a mostly vegan diet in December of 2018 I hadn’t had the episodes as often as I did before. I went nearly a year without one. But of course, September 2020 was different. All of 2020 was different. I struggled for a while with digestive issues, intermittent pain, bloating, pain in my gallbladder… some days great and some days just wishing to be better. When I started having intense skin reactions to histamine I decided to see my regular doctor. It took 3 weeks to get an appointment.
I was given a proton pump inhibitor that caused me to have the worst heartburn of my life for 3 weeks straight. I was given a referral for further investigation in May. May! 6 months after calling for help. I don’t wish this on anyone. Barely able to breathe at times, from acid induced anxiety, burning throat, headaches and debilitating fatigue as side effects of the pantoprazole… I discontinued it after taking if for 38 days to heal a possible ulcer. I found immediate relief, and the terrible symptoms from before appear to have been eased through more dietary changes.
I am left waiting for spring, waiting for a better day. While I feel better now, after the 38 days of pantaprazole, and the debilitating fatigue has finally left.. I am still not whole. And so while I treat myself and seek information and diagnosis, some days are better and some days are not so good. So, I wait for spring.